I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
