Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Green mimosas i think yes
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
