i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
