I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
