do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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