Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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