Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
