My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
