I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
