there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
