someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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