i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
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Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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