We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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