That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.