Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
