I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
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Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA