Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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