I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We are two peas in an std pod
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
