I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
