Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
