Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
