Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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