just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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