I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
