I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
