I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
