so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
