I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
