I hate your face
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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