never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
