If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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