doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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