it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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