I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
