Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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