I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
40s are totally the cure
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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