at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
