Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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