Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
