if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
