My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
