I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
