I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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