Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
