I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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