Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
