In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
