I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
