Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
