turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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