I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
