There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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