If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
