I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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