why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
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I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They took my balls.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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