Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
