Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
