could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
